# 183 - 07/21/2009 at 10:07 | Share
So you just moved into newport beach for your senior year of college about 3 weeks ago. You are still getting used to the parking situation after 6pm. You are on campus one day around 5pm and have to take a major shit, but you hold it hoping that you can get through class and make it home to your own toilet, which you love so dearly. You make it through class (barely), leave campus and speed home as fast as you can. Upon arriving to Newport Beach you realize parking is absolutely awful around 8pm. You spend nearly 30 minutes looking for parking from 30th street to the end of River and cannot find one spot. You can't even find a spot to park in your alley and run into your apartment to drop a quick deuce. You're beginning to freak out and you feel as if you are well into your 3rd trimester of pregnancy dilated to about 8.5 centimeters. However, you are still very much determined to achieve your goal of dropping this shit off in your very own toilet. No other toilet will do. Next, you start driving down PCH and end up parking next to Joe's Crabshack (about 1 mile away from your apartment). In an attempt to defy the laws of the digestive system, you grab your skateboard out of the trunk and start riding down PCH as fast as you can go. About 1/4 of a mile into your trip it hits you... The shit... and its coming NOW! By NOW, you know that it's coming within the next minute tops, no later whatsoever. On pure instinct, you ditch you skateboard into a bush right outside of Hoag Hospital and run inside as fast as you can. In your frenzy state, you find yourself in some sort of outside corridor and look around to find that you are completely alone. Without a second to waste, you drop your shorts and experience internal nirvana for a solid 20 seconds right there on the cement walkway. That bliss is broken by the sound of a security guard at the end of the corridor yelling, "Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing?!?" You respond, "Oh shit!" and proceed to hike up your shorts and the next thing you know you're sprinting down PCH holding your skateboard you grabbed on your way out, the inside of your shorts are destroyed from the monstrous shit you didn't wipe, and this security guard is chasing you. Fortunately, you're a good runner and make it back home safe and sound. You finally go on to throw your shorts and boxers away, since they'll never be the same.

All in all, take the shit when you had the chance on campus. fmp.