# 52 - 07/07/2009 at 02:30 | 8 Comments | Share
Don't talk to HotGuRL4u16, it's Chris Hanson from Dateline NBC.

# 51 - 07/06/2009 at 03:47 | 6 Comments | Share
Go to the gym you fat fuck. I want some pussy.

# 95 - 07/14/2009 at 01:32 | 14 Comments | Share
NO! Tabasco should NEVER be poured on that! ;)

# 209 - 07/23/2009 at 02:19 | 4 Comments | Share
You know how alll your friends tell you that they shave their balls cause girls like it? Well how about you start off slow with a trimmer instead of going straight for the bic razor. The paramedics will appreciate it.

# 141 - 07/18/2009 at 10:28 | 4 Comments | Share
One day you'll come home from school early and you'll hear some noises upstairs. When you open your parent's bedroom door, you dad will be on top of mom's best friend Natalie. As soon as he sees you, ask for a Nintendo. He won't say no this time.

# 232 - 07/27/2009 at 11:14 | 5 Comments | Share
When you move into the dorms, you will share a bunk bed with your new roomate who insists on having sex with his g/f while you're sleeping. One night he comes in with her and they start going at it as usual. You try to ignore it but you left your ipod and headphones in your backpack. For a while things aren't that bad until you hear him tell his g/f, "let's try it anal" and she replies, "okay". You giggle quietly and let them continue, not knowing what is about to unfold. After a few min, he starts sniffing around and says, "WTF is that smell?!" You're fighting from laughing when all of a sudden he turns on the lamp and screams, "OMG there's SHIT everywhere! There's shit on my dick! There's shit on the sheets!" He throws the sheet on the floor and at this point you're laughing hysterically... so hysterically that you roll off the top bunk and break your arm in the shit.

So yeah... take the bottom bunk.

# 134 - 07/17/2009 at 03:36 | 3 Comments | Share
When you get lost on your camping trip and you're all alone in the pitch black forest with nothing to eat or drink.... have patience and don't drink your own piss. They find you 20 minutes later.

# 70 - 07/13/2009 at 10:48 | 5 Comments | Share
After video chatting w/ your long distance finacee, make sure to turn OFF the webcam before having sex with your other girlfriend...

# 18 - 06/14/2009 at 03:51 | 4 Comments | Share
On January 23rd, 1992... don't kiss your girlfriend inbetween classes. Your braces get stuck together... then she throws up.

# 256 - 07/30/2009 at 05:07 | 3 Comments | Share
Don't feel sorry for him because he hurt his knee and his parents are out of town and can't take care of him. It's all a lie. He plans or taking your virginity, without your permission.

# 183 - 07/21/2009 at 10:07 | 11 Comments | Share
So you just moved into newport beach for your senior year of college about 3 weeks ago. You are still getting used to the parking situation after 6pm. You are on campus one day around 5pm and have to take a major shit, but you hold it hoping that you can get through class and make it home to your own toilet, which you love so dearly. You make it through class (barely), leave campus and speed home as fast as you can. Upon arriving to Newport Beach you realize parking is absolutely awful around 8pm. You spend nearly 30 minutes looking for parking from 30th street to the end of River and cannot find one spot. You can't even find a spot to park in your alley and run into your apartment to drop a quick deuce. You're beginning to freak out and you feel as if you are well into your 3rd trimester of pregnancy dilated to about 8.5 centimeters. However, you are still very much determined to achieve your goal of dropping this shit off in your very own toilet. No other toilet will do. Next, you start driving down PCH and end up parking next to Joe's Crabshack (about 1 mile away from your apartment). In an attempt to defy the laws of the digestive system, you grab your skateboard out of the trunk and start riding down PCH as fast as you can go. About 1/4 of a mile into your trip it hits you... The shit... and its coming NOW! By NOW, you know that it's coming within the next minute tops, no later whatsoever. On pure instinct, you ditch you skateboard into a bush right outside of Hoag Hospital and run inside as fast as you can. In your frenzy state, you find yourself in some sort of outside corridor and look around to find that you are completely alone. Without a second to waste, you drop your shorts and experience internal nirvana for a solid 20 seconds right there on the cement walkway. That bliss is broken by the sound of a security guard at the end of the corridor yelling, "Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing?!?" You respond, "Oh shit!" and proceed to hike up your shorts and the next thing you know you're sprinting down PCH holding your skateboard you grabbed on your way out, the inside of your shorts are destroyed from the monstrous shit you didn't wipe, and this security guard is chasing you. Fortunately, you're a good runner and make it back home safe and sound. You finally go on to throw your shorts and boxers away, since they'll never be the same.

All in all, take the shit when you had the chance on campus. fmp.

# 254 - 07/30/2009 at 02:15 | 5 Comments | Share
You know that vibrating popsicle you found in mommy's underwear drawer? Don't put it in your mouth. It's dirty.

# 80 - 07/13/2009 at 06:42 | 2 Comments | Share
Bush wins a second term.....campaign your ass off to make sure it doesn't happen.

# 602 - 05/15/2010 at 02:34 | 0 Comments | Share
You will get into medical school. Remember how much you loved being the hot unattainable nerd? Yeah, stop being so unattainable and have fun in college.

# 226 - 07/27/2009 at 08:22 | 5 Comments | Share
You don't have a small dick, the girls you meet just have huge vaginas.

# 2 - 06/05/2009 at 11:27 | 1 Comments | Share
If you ever see a strange blue van pull up to you, don't go inside. He doesn't have any candy.

# 352 - 08/24/2009 at 08:24 | 3 Comments | Share
You know that kid that bullies you in school? He's gonna steal your apple juice today. Except today your gonna replace the apple juice with your pee. Bwahahahaha!

# 282 - 08/06/2009 at 02:50 | 1 Comments | Share
Tell your mother and father you love them every single time you leave them, even after an argument. You never know what your last words to them might be.

# 174 - 07/20/2009 at 09:04 | 4 Comments | Share
Never, never, never play with fireworks... masterbating with your left hand is not as satisfying and really difficult.

# 260 - 07/31/2009 at 10:52 | 3 Comments | Share
Dear me, don't EVER shit in a bar bathroom. EVER!!! Cause the one single time you finally give in... some dude kicks the door open expecting an open toilet to puke in. Of course you're sitting in the fuckin way and he can't hold it so he vomits all over you instead. Realizing that the person he just puked on might beat the shit out of him, he punches you in the face and breaks your nose. Please, listen to me. They will never let this story go.